Funny Quotes

"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please."

"I can resist everything except temptation."

"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."

"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."

"Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese."

"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."

"I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms."

"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer."

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."

"If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito."

"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."

"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."

"I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me."

"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."

"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

"The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream."

"I am not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."

"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."

"If you can’t be kind, at least be vague."

"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter."

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."

"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."

"I have a photographic memory. I just haven't developed it yet."

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."

"A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it."

"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."

"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to."

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."

"The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."

"I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical."

"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."

"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something."

"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it."

"I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places."

"A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures for anything."

"I don't mind growing old, but I don't want to be there when it happens."

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."

"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."

"Life is hard. After all, it kills you."

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?"

"Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it."

"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act."

"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by."

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."

"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."

"I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you."

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."

"I am not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure."

"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."

"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it."

"I am always ready to learn although I do not always like being taught."

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

"I don't mind jokes, but I don't want to look like one."

"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."

"The difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."

"I never said most of the things I said."

"You can observe a lot just by watching."

"I have a wonderful make-up team. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty."

"I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific."

"If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans."

"I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train."

"The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time."

"I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat."

"I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches."

"I can live for two months on a good compliment."

"A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way."

"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you."

"Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else."

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."

"Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes."

"People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."

"Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

"Life contains but two tragedies. One is not to get your heart's desire; the other is to get it."

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."

"There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you're interrupting."

"Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist."

"In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead."

"Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."

"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing."

"Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh."

"The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one."

"I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true."

"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone."

"Reality continues to ruin my life."

"We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know."

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."

"Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about."

"Life is one fool thing after another whereas love is two fool things after each other."

"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up."